5.31.2022 -- 9:08pm

God, everything feels weird. I took a break from online, now im back to it and I feel more nervous than ever. Maybe not, but it feels it. Im tired of everything and I feel inferior. I dont know how to say a lot of this. Im tired.

5.19.2022 -- 5:243pm

Friend breakups are weird but its even weirder when they dont involve you. I have no stake in the game for dropping either; and it seems complicated. I just feel awkward in the middle of it. I want to spend time with both, but I have a feeling its gonna be increasingly harder with the one now. I wish things went differently. I love them both, even though I know they both have faults. I dont even know how to talk about it, besides rambling a little now. I get my one friend's concerns, and I agree w them mostly; my other friend hasn't told me their side. I just feel like im back in 6th grade, minus the awkwardness of having to see that person irl. My partner is there for me, and I appreciate it. I have a feeling things are going to be awkward for a while. It's probably best if I keep to myself-- not because I feel like itd be in the firing lines, but to reasses and find some peace for myself.

5.12.2022 -- 2:23am

I think a break from the hustle and bustle of posting helped me. I have hurt feelings from tonight, I'm trying to step away from them, but it's hard especially knowing a friend is hurting too. There's a .ot to say but I don't want to cry. I already am. man I just want my gfs attention or at least this damn gacha to stop updating lol

4.13.2022 -- 4:54pm

I feel bad complaining lately but the only 2 things on my mind have been sex and being upset. I can't work right now, no one's hiring me. And sex is such a messy topic because like most things in my life, its pain and its pleasure. I'm probably a chronic masturbater at this point, to the point where hours go by of back and forth and all I can think of to occupy my thoughts from sadness is fucking. Just typing it out seems pathetic.

My partner indulges me writting smut at least and i'm greatful. I know I probably give away too much of myself in doing so-- funny, because most people would be only elated to share things like this, maybe a little nervous. Maybe if sex and I had a better relationship, id feel that way.

Despite not being able to find a job, i've done nothing of importance in this time. I've tried to be creative, watch things, but it's just sex sex sex. I could turn it around for a job, or at least, not masturbate while doing it. Then again, calls flood into my phone and I ignore them. I'm sure this is all some sort of elaborate self harm as always. I did think about cutting again-- and im medicated! I just wanted some sensation. Didnt go through with it, but I have a feeling it ties back to masturbation as more of harm than good. Funny. There was a time when it only felt good.