2.27.2022 -- 6:15pm

Today I woke up so late. It's made me miserable since then. I had weird dreams-- constantly waking up. Another dream I was romantically involved(?) with a childhood friend. Last time I checked, he went weirdly right wing and I refused to see him when he asked before I left. Sometimes I wonder if i've made the right choice. But at least it was a choice. My other dream theme was also weird. It featured a friend, the one who i've been worried about their condition. They came to my old house late one night as I was letting out my dogs in the snow. They were begging me, but because of my own fears, I turned them away. My brother questioned me if I knew them, feeling like he had a sense I did. I went back in forth in my head, but I just denied it. They ended up sleeping outside, to the side of the house. I felt bad, we gathered blankets for them. It was a strange dream. I'm sure my subconscious has something deeper turning-- the fact I got tired of certain things they did, but still I loved them and I still do. Hate crying as I write this.

Other than that, i'm in a depression slump. For some reason, I thought today was the last of the month. I need to get things done. Crying won't solve anything. Gaming won't either. I need to get my head back on and work.

2.20.2022 -- 9:30pm

Its been a busy last few weeks. Ive been throwing applications all over. I have an interview in 3 days. Its funny, its such a big life thing and I want to talk about it but I also dont, not to family or friends. Sometimes I wonder if I dont talk about it, if I wont think about it. Tomorrow i'll do research. I'm quite tired out, but I know I need to get a job. I don't want to run out of money.

I've had family issues lately too. Its not involving me, but the stress of it and not being resolved is getting to me. Too many things lately remind me of my upbringing. Again, another thing that feels weird to talk about with people.

Im watching a movie. I'm trying to distract. I'm tired.

2.4.2022 -- 11:30pm

Dear N,

There are so many things that have reminded me of you lately. When I saw Robert Webb on this show I especially thought of you. I thought of the time you tried toshow me the PS building, but I was so confused, especially because you didn't get a good shot and I was worried my mom would hear me talking to you in the bathroom. I faked a bowel movement just to hear from you LOL. Despite our opinions differing as 2we got older, I do cherish you. You did annoy me like a little sibling sometimes, but never enough for me to ever hate you. Funny how love works like that. Idk where you are today, and I do worry for you. Whever you are, I hope you're safe and loved like you deserve. Sorry I wasn't there much my season. I hope you don't hold me in bad regard because of that. Love you.

2.4.2022 -- 5:39pm

Its probably just my pain talking but other than that I feel nothing. Things feel hollow. I need something fresh. I should be happy, I got the chance to do something i've always wanted to do [design a cd]. Yet, here I am, bored and unwilling to do stuff. I know it's not a sin to sit and do nothing, but to me it feels empty if i'm not filling my time. Even writing this is better than sitting and scrolling. I wish I felt more towards people and things. Funny, years ago, I kept crying because I felt TOO much now i'm sitting here feeling empty because I feel too little right now. The world is a strange place, I guess.

I'm in too much pain to job search which is also causing me greif. In 2? months I'll run out of money in my checking and that worries me. I have to get hired asap. I will do all the stuff I need to after im done feeling pain.

This'll sound bad but im dreading valentines too. I'm excited because I have time with my partner, but I keep worrying if it's meant to be. I know worry is a bad thing in a relationship but i've had so many people fall in with the idea of me. I like her a lot. I just do worry about the long run. I'm not the best partner and I know it.