1.23.2022 -- 6:23pm

Ive cried so often in bathrooms, I need to be the patron saint of it.

The first time was 9th grade, my first day of school, where I sobbed my eyes out because ex-friends lied and told me my best friend hated me.

I still continued to see her despite that. I loved her.

1.17.2022 -- 4:34pm

"Now I am quietly waiting forthe catastrophe of my personality to seem beautiful again, and interesting, and modern. "

I feel sick, but the kind that is so emotional you feel it in the physical. Why do I have to be a part of society? In reality, if I wanted to, I could simply delete my social media and never come back. Leave those who I care about. What would that change? I'd still have a hunger in my soul. There's no escape for such feelings.

I'm still waiting on that man to help me. I fear the people around me growing unconfident with me. I fear having no money in my bank account. If he doesn't help me soon, i'll start applying on my own. I hate relying on people more than anything. I feel sick having to rely on people for anything.

I'm bored and I don't want to fix it now. I can't do anymore work on [x] because I don't want to completely fall apart from boredeom. I guess theres masturbation, however, even that seems empty at this moment. It's such a chore to be living and be around others. It's such a chore to have any eyes on you. I hate the way social media has made me feel. I do miss, back as a child, being untethered by such things. I had friends, but I had more than social media to keep me busy.

It's an indescribable sadness. Maybe I need to read more to keep myself at bay.

1.14.2022 -- 3:09pm

Todays a weird day. I keep thinking about therapy and getting bad flashbacks to my former life. I keep daydreaming about therapy-- ideally, I get the strength to go in person. It's in a city thats a bit away, crowded, as to not stand out among clients. I don't use my real name. I go by something like Nana, something familiar, yet far enough there's no relation. I'm not recognized by anyone around me. I go in. Somehow i'm able to discuss trauma-- even in my fantasies, this is hard and I cry a lot. There's no such thing to me as being personal and NOT crying about it. That's just who I am.

I know this is a situation that's not going to happen. In realism, i'd much more likely be someone who'd look into text therapy. Not even in my home do I feel comfortable being open in such a way.

In an unrelated, but therapy-esque note, a old friend keeps appearing in my dream. She's the one who helped me realize, yes, women loving women is a tangible thing. I crushed on her briefly. She has a girlfriend and i'm in no way interested in her now, but she's there, being warm to me. I've had several dreams about her lately, even though last time I talked to her was in person years ago. I worry if she's ok-- I've had people show up in my dreams who later died. It's a very unnerving feeling.

Unrelated related, i've been worried about my gf lately. I love her, but I worry if i'm good for her. I know i'm a little distant, and we got to know each other more as we dated (I made the mistake of not being close friends until dating, which, I don't think is a kiss of death because we're close now, but nonetheless.). I worry if i'm the person she needs and wants. It's hard to change who I am, and I worry if that'll fuck shit up. I don't know. I'm too exhausted to put my mind in it and I have this song in my head I can't figure out the artist too.

1.13.2022 -- 6:17pm

Dear god, maybe i'm not a nice person. I see someone complaining about something, and it feels a bit ironic bc they were rude to someone about complaining about the same topic all the time. I do feel bad for people's struggles, I just have a slight annoyance when I know someone was complaining about something similar with someone else.

It's not a whole of humanity thing, but I believe in some respect i've become jaded. I'm just tired with people I think is the thing. Again, a personal failing not others.

1.11.2022 -- 10:57pm

The number one thing I hate with any sort of thing, no matter what, is waiting on people. Yet here i am, waiting on my family friend to help me out. I feel awkward prodding about it, but truly, I do want to work before the month ends. Yes i'm enjoying my time off, but I hate the perception that i'm doing nothing. Future me is going to kick my ass for saying that, I feel it in my bones. I guess if it was just waiting on me, that'd be one thing, but I hate relying on other people.I need him because it's the difference of probably 20-50k per year.

Either way, i'm feeling estranged from people. It's uncomfortable, but at the same time, I don't feel close to people again. It's nothing against my friends or anyone, I just feel very far removed from people as a whole I'm fine focusing on my family right now, and i'm trying my best to kindle that emotion because i'm scared due to health scares with a loved one. Incredibly awful especially considering the time we're in. I feel uncomfortable going on about it, but i'll leave it here. Writing it out helps me, bit by bit. Free therapy, I guess.

1.7.2022 -- 5:17pm

I think I feel manic again. I feel oddly excited and perhaps happy? But i can't tell. I just impulse spent 170$ on photocards I don't need. Why? Because I wanted them sososoosooo bad...Funny, isn't it? I struggle spending 5$ on a pair of underwear, but these cards I dropped money on so easily. I just wanted something to make me happy and feel whole. I have 50$ put aside to buy curtains/curtain rods...and as for shipping this package? Well, i'll be grinding to work on affording that these next few days until all my items are delievered, I guess.

I think a big stress i not knowing when this guy will help me out for my job search. It's a family friend, but not as close to me as a family memeber, so i'm kind of relying on my family member to help me. So i'm stuck. I don't want to be seen as lazy, and I do want a job and to finally actually have some legit stability in my life again. I have 500$ withdrawn every month for school, so it's stressing me out (I only have so much in savings-- yes, I realize how this sounds especially with my prior paragraph.) I need to get resumes out by the end of the month.

I still am worrying if my one friend is even alive. I keep thinking about it. Part of me is wondering if something happened, is it my fault for not replying sooner? I guess I do feel bad reguardless, despite my circumstances at the time. You can't be there for everyone at every moment, but reguardless I worry. I hope he's safe.

1.9.2022 -- 7:57pm

In another weird mood. I don't feel close to people, yet here I am, dealing with undenyably human issues. My mom acts like every online issue is a 'SJW Social justice warrior!!!!111' issue anymore and phrases shit like 'PC culture has gone too far'!!! I guess thats what reddit and facebook do huh. I guess in my own way, i'm not much better with the sites I stick to, but least i'm constantly learning.

Messaged the family friend who's lying for me. I'm waiting for a reply back.

I guess my big thing is just again feeling lack of closeness in space and time to other people. It's not their failing, it's me. It's tiring for me to keep up talking to people. I want to be inundated with pretty art and images, and be left alone. I could spend days by myself. It's hard sometimes. I used to do that so i'd be chased after, but I don't want that. I honestly just want my solitude. I'll say that and be sad when i'm alone, but I feel overwhelmed.

1.4.2022 -- 4:56pm

Maybe it's not feeling well for days or hormones, but today i'm certainly feeling it. I keep getting a bad paranoia of blank accounts following me. I shouldn't be worried, but it is weird. I also just feel disconnected to people around me. It's a weird air of distance. I should feel closer. With them i'm happy. I just don't feel close.

I have people I love and i'm close to so I should feel happy. I know this at my core. I just feel very alone with people. Does everyone feel this way? I don't know. It's making me tear up. I just needed to get it out.

1.2.2022 -- 7:58pm

I'm lost right now in feeling pain from my period. Yesterday I felt myself mourning over being born in this body and thinking about a post I read that hit home about wishing the writer was born a male so they could do simple things, like talk to people without such a worry of assault or abuse. But, that's not whats been occupying my mind today. Today, i'm just tired. I wish my mom would stop rattling off COVID stuff every day. She asked what countries are handling it best, and when I said China she just scoffed it off--which would be funny if it wasn't so pitiful. People act like they've read so much and are so smart, but scoff when you add factual opposing information. Suprise, US propaganda is in everything you read. Anyway, fantasizing and reading off deaths and numbers isn't helping her nor anyone in this house and it's tiring. I can't express it to her-- mainly because I have already and she'll go off on how she keeps up because it effects her (understandable, but I don't need to hear it every hour on the dot on how x amount of people have it in this state). I have mixed feelings about staying in this bubble. It's safe in here, but I want to do things. Its hard to describe without sounding weird, but I don't want to face life beyond a certain point, but yes I do. I guess in a way it ties back to what I was feeling yesterday.

In an ironic thing, I guess i'm also tired of constant negativity. This is a place for myself to let off steam, because it's too personal and draining to put on friends. I said Happy New Year and I got a reply that was along the lines of "it won't be." I'm tired of trying. Coming from my own demons and overcoming them, it's not to say you can never feel sad, but constantly meeting people with negativity is so draining. I feel so othered again by the world around me-- which is funny, because I genuinely think the best of humanity as a whole, I just can't associate myself with people. I don't feel in the same depths I think-- or maybe it's better to say the same ways as people. I cry a lot and whatever, but it's never because I want to do x with someone. It's weird. I think I have a few wire disconnects.

In a similar bitchy note, it's sad because some interests I can't share without a barrage of negativity, even if it's just sharing information. I'm not religious, i like religious things however. Being unable to share them feels empty. I like enjoying things by myself, but I guess it lends to the larger issue of never feeling secure to share with people and not feeling 'like' people. Surface level is okay, but anything deeper is unable.