7.4.2022 -- 12:26pm
I keep thinking about a lot lately. A lot of ghosts from my past keep showing up. N, if you're no longer here, I do wonder what you think of me. I saw a song yesterday that remidned me of you. You showed it to me and said it reminded you of one of my characters. I still dont forget that. I forget a lot, but I dont forget anything with our time together. My childhood best friend I realized didnt say anything on my birthday. Did space bring us apart or am I just looking crazy again? It's a 50/50, and truly im sorry for what I put you through, idk if you saw it or not but I wasnt subtle with how I talked. I shouldve been better. Ghosts who im not fond of keep showing up. Why did in that dream, I think of D? And last night, the messy girl who I got weird vibes from, but felt connected to, reminded me of K from middle school? I cant forever hold it against people for lying as kids. Some of it ive let go; not the forced seperation from D, and maybe not all her later stuff, but K I can understand. Sometimes kids just want that connection. Why did people choose me? I still dont get it. To this day I don't. I'm quiet and meek.
I keep crying thinking of the past and my body. I thought about a certain surgery but would it make me happy? I wouldnt want complications or pain. I don't want to look down and see what I have, but its the only thing ive known. When I was a kid I wanted to be a prince. Funny, isnt it, how those little things make you feel confusion later? The more I dont think, the more I dont stress. Im worrying the things that make me happy also hurt me. A bad cycle.
7.4.2022 -- 12:26pm
Things have been weird since my birthday. I've been holding together, but I guess I just dont feel here. One of my friends didnt wish me one. Another who bought stuff for my other friend weeks ago didn't do anything for me. I guess it's reciprocation that's hurtful. Funny enough, old friends who i've barely kept in touch with said it, and that made me feel good. Kinda sad my partner wasn't around a lot during that day, but then again, I'm not super big on talk talk talk nonstop, so I can't blame them. In a way this is karma because I saw two people have birthdays, even though we've never spoken, and didn't wish them one. Maybe i'm just being mentally ill over this. Who knows. I'll get better. Gacha addiction has also grabbed hold of me and I feel kind of pathetic.