3.27.2022 - 7:42pm

I hit mania now i fear im falling back into depression. There's something incredibly painful about adult content to me. Its not your normal type of stuff. I guess sadly im resigned to mix pain with pleasure, as I like seeing people with the bodies I wish I were similar to in performance, but then after I think about it longer, it just leaves me feeling empty and depressed. So much for masturbation making your mood get better and releasing serotonin. Its annoying.

3.14.2022 - 5:37pm

Today is a day where my mind feels like a puddle. Id love to say im just horny, but masturbation just fell flat. Im not pms'ing or anything, so I can't even blame that. I feel so needy today but also so distant. It really feels like a personal purgatory. Yeah, i'm upset over work as normal, upset over my current state. Maybe I need more time alone, I say, as I just want to be held and pampered. When I feel needy, I get overly so. All ive been thinking about is smut, smut, smut so that adds another layer of unenjoyment. Its funny how something can be so good but also so wrecking at the same time. I resent any feeling I have towards it. Maybe i'll use some money to buy 'personal things' finally...but i'm so nervous about doing so. If I do, that means theres a record I bought something. My paranoia always hits for these things. Also, descreet packaging is another thing in it of itself.

3.7.2022 - 11:21pm

Feel stupid crying again. I know period times don't help. What an awful reminder. I'm crying about a lot, and i'm sure it's overblown. Trying to watch videos to distract myself. I think, even though it brings another pain, transcribing is good for nubming myself. I have a good incentive [money] and I numb out the rest. I'm trying to calm my face before I possibly game with someone. Unrelated, I was wondering how the name Angel fits me. I don't want to replace my name in full--- I just think 2 names would be nice. wondering to message a friend. Ive been worried about their safety since I havent heard from them in months. I also just don't want to come across too hard by just saying I miss them. it's a weird space.

Deleting notions of my past life feel weird. I know i'm encroaching a zone of pain. It's not helping my condition.

3.1.2022 - 10:38pm

Crying listening to Sonic Youth. I'm reminded of a close friend I haven't talked to in a while. I'm still worried about you. it also makes me think of sitting in my room alone, watching as the sun set, watching Dogs In Space alone on my small and barely working laptop. When I was younger, that was THE epitomie of privacy I got. It's nice having my own room with my desktop in it. Now I don't have to look at porn on my tablet and can use adblockers!

My mom was saying stuff earlier, and I do love her but sometimes the trauma dumping is too much. I feel bad for her, of course, but also... She sometimes will bring up things that trigger me. I can't always directly say it, also because I don't want to tell her about certain things that would cause her distress. It's a weird feeling. I've always been one to suffer silently. I do wish she didn't spill her trauma onto how she parented. I appreciate her ways, but it's made me such an inept adult. it's sad how I ended up. I want to fix it, but man, it's hard. Being truthful to people I care about is hard because I didn't want to worry people.