12.31.2021 -- 7:51pm

I'm so tired. Maybe it's drinking a little, but I feel absolutely knocked out. I took meds that helped my head, but i'm tired. I'm probably watching a movie tonight that I don't want to. A few nights ago I had a dream that included a girl I had a crush on in highschool, mainly because she was the only gay girl I directly knew. I was having a sleepover with her and various other friends, in a house that definitely was reflective of this one. I helped drive her home--to a college campus. Maybe because one of the last times I saw her, she was offering me weed there (I declined. I have no interest). I felt such a longing for her and for the other people who were part of an original friend group there. I can't talk much more on the subject, because I don't want to cry.

I also had a dream I specifically chose an indeterminate gender in some video game I was playing because of friends. Friends were supportive, like I know theyd be. It felt nice. I don't feel like talking further about gender feelings to friends. I envy my friends who can easily talk about this stuff, I just can't. Not because im ashamed, I just can't open up like others. Maybe i'll play video games until movie time tonight. Distract myself. Happy new year.

12.28.2021 -- 5:40pm

Since last night, i've gotten such a weird feeling. I'm someone who keeps to myself, hence why this is not linked to my socials or will ever be refered to anywhere [a open, yet private diary]. However, this gives me an odd feeling because I worry in my death-- one that hopefully will not be soon-- if i'll be represented how I was.

I know humans have many facets and faces they show different people, and i'm no exception. Will my family ever know of the things I make? Will friends who i've met through family ever know? Right now, I don't feel particularly keen on sharing myself in such a way with family. Maybe one day. It reminds me of a podcast I heard, wherein a woman was planning a close family friend's funeral. She realized he was gay, and that piece was missing from his eulogy and such, and she sought out someone to help fill that in. Will that be what comes of me? I don't know.

12.26.2021 -- 8:10pm

Feeling such an emptyness. I don't know why. I just don't feel much right now again. I can't say i'm hating anything or anyone. It's malaise. Maybe it's because I started thinking about my past and childhood and stuff.

It's not unreality though. It's just... I don't know what I want and I don't feel particularly like i'm tied to people, even those who I know at my core I love. Maybe i'll feel better after a shower.

12.26.2021 -- 2:45pm

Im reeling from my mom trying to be transphobic this morning. If you'd ask her, she wasn't trying to be, but how else can you interpret her bringing up the usage of gender inclusive language to my dad who'll make transphobic statements nonstop? Ah yes, side with the man who constantly makes embaressing and inappropriate remarks whom you don't even like. This sounds like a good way of thinking. Either way, it's so tiring to constantly deal with this-- even after I had asked her not to make such comments around me. The fact she did them around my dad feels incite worthy. Because I was so tired and had just woken up, I kept telling her the article was a bait article-- which it probably was-- to incite people like her to feel outrage. Ah yes, how awful it is that we acknowledge not everyone giving birth is a woman! It's not 'vilifying womanhood' its just acknowledging a fact of life. No matter what she thinks, you can't change the fact that not everyone who pops out a baby is a woman.

I'm quite tired of dealing with this type of stuff and she knows it. I feel sometimes as if my 'smart and observing personality' only is useful when its not an inconvience to other people. She'd beg to differ, but truely, how am I supposed to feel then in these situations? While I don't know everything, it is kind of funny to be attempted to be shut down, me, the one lgbt person in the room, for voicing my opinion and facts. I'm smart when it comes to confirming shit other people think, but the second I say something 'out of line' i'm overeacting and emotional. Funny.

I'm also becoming very tired of constantly being told bad news by everyone. It's draining. I don't want it. I'm also possibly still convinced a friend of mine might have passed without my knowledge. I feel cold in saying this, but it's the truth, that I do have my own personal worries to attend to and truely, i'm not some beacon of other people's complaints. I like to bitch, but god can I go a day without hearing someone else's stressors? Maybe i'll tell people i'm taking a small break from online, but it won't help in situations irl.